I miss him so much....

I've been thinking a lot about my baby brother lately. He would 16 months old now.  He was my brother but so many days it hurts so much deeper than that. His pictures are on the walls, on the top of the computer, on the entertainment center and throughout the house. I'm so great full for those pictures... regardless of how much it hurts when i see them.

lets back up a year and a half... My dad was seeing this girl and got her pregnant. Everyone was so unbelievably excited!! The moment they realized it was a boy, its like a new energy took over my dad. He became so much more lively!! That day in May 2010 will haunt me for the rest of my days... Dad got a call that she was in the hospital and he needed to get there very quickly. Something was very wrong, I had never seen my dad cry very much, but you could see the color completely drain from his face and he teared up. We rushed to the hospital as fast as could and headed to the maternity ward. ........ my baby brother, Carter, was gone. The placenta had detached... and he drowned in the blood. My hands are shaking so bad writing all this...... The doctors said that the only way they could have saved the child was if she was already on he operating table. They told us there was only a 5 minute window when that occurs so there was no hope.

The part that haunts me is seeing Carter... I got to hold him. He was just so purple and blue. The only part of him that wasnt was a small patch on his stomach in the shape of a heart. I held him and just cried and cried. There were no words from anyone. It was so hard to realize that such a perfect looking child was taken away.

15 months have passed and when I think of him I still start to cry. Most of the time is silent tears because I hate crying in front of people but when I'm alone, like when I started to type this blog, its so hard not to cry. I miss him so much.

There was a time when I thought that when I had my own son, I wanted to name him Carter Michael in memory of him and in honor of my father. I still like the idea but my husband really does not like the name Carter. I will always think of him and I will never let him leave my heart.